It’s Thursday, February 26, 2009 and it’s again got snow all over it.
As the cartoon this morning says; I am so over February.
Yes, yes, I realize that this is Montana and I realize that it sometimes snows in Montana in February. But, this does not obviate my need (or God-given right) to say: “Aaaaauuuggghhh!!!!!!!”
Chris has asked for a codger count. Since I’ve not stopped by the Walmart all week, I’ll have to call. Well, Dan will call. Actually, I’ll call and say I’m Dan, just to save Dan the trouble.
MITCH: Thank you for calling McDonalds. My name is Mitch. How can I help you?
ME: What happened to Carl?
MITCH: I’m sorry?
ME: Carl! The guy that runs that outfit. Where is he?
MITCH: I’m sorry, he’s not here yet.
ME: That wasn’t my question, Mitch.
MITCH: Excuse me?
ME: I asked where Carl is, not if he was there.
MITCH: I don’t know where he is.
ME: Something wrong with you, boy?
MITCH: I don’t think so.
ME: I didn’t ask if you knew where Carl is, I asked you WHERE IS CARL?!!!
MITCH: I’m sorry, but I don’t know, so I can’t tell you.
ME: I’m gonna give you five seconds to square your ass away and you’d better be ready to answer my questions!
MITCH: Who is this?
(I personally would have asked this a LOT earlier in the conversation)
ME: This is Dan Smalls from Cody, Wyoming.
MITCH: How can I help you?
ME: You know who I am?
MITCH: You’re Dan Smalls from Cody, Wyoming?
ME: You got your head on straight now?
MITCH: I suppose. What can I do…
ME: Gimme a codger count.
MITCH: A what?
ME: A codger count! Sound off!
MITCH: I don’t know what that is.
ME: You know what a codger is?
MITCH: You mean like an old man?
ME: Yeah, codgers are old men. How many you got right now?
MITCH: I don’t know…
ME: Count ‘em, dammit!
MITCH: Hold on!
ME: Boy, you had best sound off with a codger count or I’ll want to change my tone!
MITCH: Looks like there’s 5 of them.
ME: What are they talking about?
MITCH: I don’t know!
ME: Go ask ‘em! Dammit! I gotta tell you everything?
(I would have hung up long before this kid)
MITCH: Hang on…
ME: Get your head out of your ass and move!
JOE: Hello?
ME: Who the hell is this?
JOE: My name is Joe, who is this?
ME: I’M Dan Smalls from Cody, Wyoming.
JOE: What do you want?
ME: Are you a codger?
JOE: What?!
ME: Are you a codger?
JOE: I guess so.
ME: What are you guys talking about?
JOE: How is that any of your business?
ME: Hey, you’re the one going around smelling like old pee.
JOE: What?!!!
ME: You old bastards go around dribbling pee on everything and I got a right to know what you’re talking about!
JOE: No, you don’t, aasshole!
ME: Hey, be careful not to swallow your teeth, you old coot!
JOE: Who you calling a coot?
ME: You, you old bastard! How about you put sock in it and go tell the other codgers to stop leaking pee on everything?
JOE: What the hell are you talking about?
ME: Put that dumb kid back on the phone.
JOE: Go to hell!
CLICK
So I call back…
MITCH: Thank you for calling McDonalds. My name is Mitch. How can I help you?
ME: See, that’s how you handle them old codger.
MITCH: I don’t think so.
ME: What’s the problem?
MITCH: They’re pretty mad now.
ME: Tell ‘em I’m back on the phone!
MITCH: No, I don’t want to do that.
ME: You tell Carl to call me when he gets in. He’s got my number, you little wise ass piece of duck shit!
MITCH: You don’t have to talk to me like that!
ME: You just tell him!
MITCH: Fine, I will.
CLICK
So, there you are, Chris . Hopefully, Carl still has my number.
In other news, I gottah send out a big, stinky BULLSHIT! to our company’s CEO. While it seems he and his nest of shitheels were successful in getting the banks to renegotiate our debt, the left out the part where the deserving employees get their pay raises.
Merit pay increases are every bit as much a part of standard business costs as paying your rent and electricity. But instead, we get:
“I’m confident that when we and our customers look back on 2009, we will see this as a defining moment, when we chose to invest in our systems, our network and new products to support future growth. I believe we will reflect on this year as a timeframe when we chose not to resort to large scale reductions in force(1) as a means to sustain profitability; but rather chose to prudently control costs by foregoing merit pay increases and bonuses in the context of a very difficult economy.”
Easy enough for you to say, Bungholio. I bet your paycheck is about, 43 times what mine is. Yeah, a raise probably ain’t a big deal for you, but to those of us who busted our humps on the perfectly reasonable expectation that our added value would be recognized, this is a slap in the face. Take your “defining moment”, ram it up your ass and set fire to it. A good leader finds ways to have the cake and eat it too.
I’m not saying I can do a better job, but I don’t have to be a plumber to know what poo smells like. From where I sit, it smells a lot like a defining moment. Carry your ass out Montana way and I’ll give you a fist full of defining moments. Jackass.
I’d planned a much longer effort today, but work kept interrupting my train of thought. Maybe tomorrow, Dan, Steve and Bill will reveal their true nature.
Until then,
