The Liquor Talking

I was gonna tell a different tall tale today, but as luck would have it, my cell provider went that extra mile and is now memorialized in the blogosphere for all eternity. I got an email telling me that my phone is illegible for a free upgrade. Just to be clear, nothing on my existing phone will be upgraded. It will simply be replaced by a better “upgraded” phone. It’s like upgrading your computer by replacing it.

I digress.

Whenever I see “special instructions” on an order form, I always make it a point to type “Remember the Alamo.” It’s my small way of making the world just a little weirder for the hapless schmuck who has to read and process this data. Up until now, nothing has ever come of it. I’m confident that whoever reads it does in fact remember the Alamo, albeit briefly and life goes on.

Not today though. Within about a half hour of placing my order, my cell phone rings. It’s some guy named Brian from the Order Fulfillment desk of my cellular provider. Still feeling a bit punchy from driving some 1100 miles this weekend, I decided to run with it.

ME: Hello?
BRIAN: Is this **** *****?
ME: Yes, who are you?
BRIAN: I’m Brian from ****** ******* Order Fulfillment. How are you today?
ME: (Thinking he’s trying to sell me something to go along with my freer upgrade, I decided to Bartle a little Doo) Bartle dankum of a century’s times?
BRIAN: I’m sorry?
ME: Kay poe sowums and you say “marcum dansem?”
BRIAN: I’m sorry, what?
ME: You say “MARCUM DANSUM!!”
BRIAN: Marcum dansum?
ME: Right, right. Now Get it on cam with the hot.
BRIAN: I’m calling about these special instructions in your order.
ME: (Hmmm… this could be fun) Yes?
BRIAN: It says to “Remember the Alamo.”
ME: Right.
BRIAN: I’m not sure what this means.
ME: You know what remember means?
BRIAN: Of course.
ME: And you know what the Alamo is?
BRIAN: Yes.
ME: So, what’s the problem?
BRIAN: I guess I don’t under…
ME: Where are you, Brian?
BRIAN: New York City.
ME: You do know what the Alamo is, don’t you?
BRIAN: Yes, it’s some place in Texas.
ME: You’ve never been to Texas, have you Brian?
BRIAN: No, I haven’t.
ME: Telling a Texan that “The Alamo is some place in Texas” would probably result in you getting your ass beat.
BRIAN: Why? Is it not in Texas?
ME: You wouldn’t tell a Muslim that Mecca is some place in the middle east, would you?
BRIAN: Texas isn’t a religion, it’s not the same thing.
ME: To a Texan, the Alamo is sacred ground.
BRIAN: Okay, but I still…
ME: You know what happened at the Alamo?
BRIAN: Some kind of war?
ME: Yeah, kinda. You’ve seem the movie “300?”
BRIAN: Yes, with the Spartans?
ME: Right. The same kind of thing happened at the Alamo. A small group held off a vastly superior force for a time until they were overwhelmed and destroyed utterly.
BRIAN: I see.
ME: In fact, it was from the Alamo that the Spartans got the idea.
BRIAN: Really?
ME: Yep. 267 Texans held off the combined armies of Mexico and Persia for 12 days before they were massacred.
BRIAN: I didn’t know that.
ME: This was waaayy before the Persians tried to invade Greece.
BRIAN: I had no idea.
ME: All the Texans had to eat were their coonskin caps and the three bears that Davey Crockett killed after they chased him up a tree.
BRIAN: They ate their hats?
ME: Yep, dipped in bear grease and fried.
BRIAN: Yuck.
ME: On the last day of the siege, they ran out of bullets and had to use rats and mice in their guns.
BRIAN: Well, if that’s all you got.
ME: Yep. By the time it was done, all 287 Texans were killed, but they killed 818 of the Mexican and 940 of the Persian armies.
BRIAN: Wow.
ME: The last three Texans were Davey Crockett, Danial Boone and some guy named Chuck that no one knows anything about.
BRIAN: Chuck?
ME: Yep, that’s where the rhyme “How much wood could a wood chuck chuck” comes from.
BRIAN: I did not know that.
ME: That’s why about a quarter of the men in Texas are named “Chuck” or “Charles.”
BRIAN: I didn’t know that either.
ME: So it was at the Alamo that 287 Texans stopped a Mexican/Persian invasion of Texas. By the time it was over, the Mexicans and the Persians started fighting each other. The Persian’s stole all the wooden legs of the Mexican General and set fire to them.
BRIAN: He had more than one?
ME: He had one for every day of the week including one given to him by the Mexican king for taking the Panama canal away from the Aztecs.
BRIAN: Okay.
ME: You didn’t learn any of this is history classes?
BRIAN: No, nothing about Texas.
ME: You should call your high school history teacher and raise hell with him or her.
BRIAN: I think I might. So you’re from Texas?
ME: Yessir.
BRIAN: You live in Montana now?
ME: Yeah. I lost a bet.
BRIAN: A bet?
ME: Yeah, I bet my buddy that I could get my commander to say “Who let the dogs out?” at my going away party. If I did, my buddy had to move to Montana when he got out and stay there 10 years.
BRIAN: You couldn’t get him to say it?
ME: No, he got sick and couldn’t come, so our deputy commander came and he hated me.
BRIAN: That’s too bad.
ME: Yeah, when it came his turn to talk about what a swell guy I was, all he did was cuss me out.
BRIAN: So you had to move to Montana.
ME: Yep, just for a couple more years.
BRIAN: I see. Well, I’m still not sure how we go about remembering the Alamo as part of fulfilling your order.
ME: Will you be shipping it?
BRIAN: No, they ship out of California.
ME: Oh no!
BRIAN: What’s wrong?
ME: California sided with the Persians in the Texas war of independence.
BRIAN: Really?
ME: They didn’t teach you any of this in school?
BRIAN: No, not any of this.
ME: Wow. In Texas, you don’t get out of kindergarten until you know the story of the Alamo.
BRIAN: Well, now I know.
ME: Okay, so if you’ll just be mindful of it for a time today, I’ll be satisfied.
BRIAN: Okay, I will. Is there anything else I can do for you?
ME: Nope, that’s plenty.
BRIAN: Okay, so thanks for being a ******* ******** customer and I hope you enjoy your new phone.
ME: Thanks! Goodbye.
CLICK

So, my new phone is on its way from California and Brian is now a wiser man.

Oh and before any of my Texas readers get up in arms for my literary license, I think I managed to get at least one person to remember the Alamo. Yeah, he’ll remember a peculiar version of it, but he’ll remember.

Have a fantastic Tuesday. Tune in tomorrow for Reader Mail! There’s still time to get a word in edgewise by posting comments about this blog to the FaceBook site about it People Who Love elimtevir.com, or by sending your email(s) to: .