The Liquor Talking

Whatcha think of my new graphic? Gimp rules!

It’s Friday, February 27, 2009 and it’s got even MORE snow on it.  God is flexing His sense of humor for my griping about it yesterday.  I think He may be saying something about my saying I have a God-given right to bitch about it.

In other news, Ariann is doing the happy dance in that a nemesis of hers has finally cancelled their last service with us.  I’ve never seen her so obsessed over getting shed of anyone before.

Okay, I like John and in a lot of ways I feel his pain.  He’s a swell guy and is pretty damned smart. But… If he ever leaves that damned cell phone of his unattended, we’re gonna have:

Jen suggested first implanting it into one of his bodily orifices, THEN taking a hammer to it. Like I said, he’s a swell Joe, but that &^*#(*@ ring tone has got to be the single most annoying one in the history of both ring tones and annoying.  I’ve even been talking to customers who heard it and said “What the hell is that?”

Okay, that’s it.  I am Cornholio!

Anyone who expects anything more from me today can give me TP for my bunghole. Strange how a day can start off okay, then go to shit with just a little drama. Meh, bite me.

No, check that.  Everyone, you had best square your ass (collective and individual) away by Monday.  I mean it.  Whatever it is, get rid of it.  Yeah end of month is traumatic for all, but..  this is not reason to go nucking futs over everything.  I’m serious; I had better not come in Monday I find everyone all twisted around the wringer.  I myself will endeavor to be even more abundantly terrific in every way that allows for improvement.  Let’s break the cycle together! Let’s make March a month that does not suck!

Yesterday’s call reminded me how much I enjoy doing freestyle crank calls.  Given the success I had with the good people of Bellbrook, Ohio, I think it’s time to check in with Bill of ******** Pharmaceuticals:

BILL: ******** Pharmaceuticals, this is Bill. How may I help you?
ME: What’s the word, Thunderbird?
BILL: Hey, how’s it going?
ME: Not bad.  That Don guy was sure pissed when he got your note.
BILL: Who?
ME: Don Smalls, from Cody.
BILL: I don’t know who that is.
ME: You don’t?
BILL: Never heard of him.
ME: Why did you write him that letter then?
BILL: What letter?
ME: Did you write him a letter about stomping your hat?
BILL: My hat? No!
ME: Well, somebody wrote him a letter with your name saying that Don stomped your hat and you were gonna go kick his ass.
BILL: Who is this?
(Geeze Bill.  We’re just now getting around to that?)
ME:  It’s Ishwah  Fibloshemoe!
BILL: Who?
ME: Ishwah! We met at the conference last fall.
BILL: Conference? What conference?
ME: Me, you and Baker from Salbonish?
BILL: I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about?
ME: You’re Bill ****?
BILL: Yes.
ME: Of ******** Pharmaceuticals?
BILL: Yes, that’s me.
ME: You remember Ishwah?
BILL: No.
ME: We eat the monkey crotch together!
BILL: What?!!
ME: Hang on. I’m gonna dabble my wang in latex!
BILL: I don’t have any idea who you are.
ME: Ha ha ha ha! Bll, you oooooolllllllddd butt bandit!
BILL: Who the hell are you?
ME: Ishwah from Bogli Medical.  We make the boom boom on those girls from Pfizer.
BILL: You have got the wrong guy here.
ME: No, you buttered that roll with your wiener for that Pfizer bitch.
BILL: I did not!
ME: You did!  She was mad as hell!
BILL: I don’t know who you are or what you’re talking about.
ME: Well, Dan is mad as hell at you. He says he’s coming up this weekend and he’s gonna stomp your hat with your head in it.
BILL: I don’t know Dan. I don’t know you and I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
ME: Glibble shibes ish ienduba!
BILL: What?
ME: You eat the monkey crotch!
BILL: I’m hanging up.
ME: You smell like doo doo!
CLICK

And now, we have a new worthy recipient.  Apparently, one of our perpetually stupid, pain in the ass customers called Lynette and demanded to speak to a live person in tech support.  When Lynette told her that she was in luck because all we have in tech support are live people, she actually got angry about it.

Now look, Lynette is usually the very picture of restraint and discipline when dealing with vexatious customers, but you can not toss a huge, marshmallow, softball like that and not expect her to send it over the centerfield fence.  You bring her a bucket of fish like that and she’s gona blast away. It just can’t be helped and you really, really have no right to get pissy about it.  If you want to build up a huge windmill and then walk face-first into it, that’s your lookout. So at the behest of Chris and Lynette, we have a new entry to My List in the form of Kaycee over Bozeman way.

Having never met Kaycee, I can only guess about her interest or what she feels passionate about.  I can tell you that she has already filled out out a “Contact me” form from Rocky Mountain College’s website. Who knows, maybe she really is interested in an individual study program in Montana Lesbianism Over The Past 100 years.

I do feel sorry for the admissions person who draws this one from the bag, but like Ishwah said to Bill; “You eat the monkey crotch!”

From the “Additional Information box of the form:
I have the Tourettes Syndrome and will sometimes start yelling and swearing and threatening you with stabs.  I don’t mean it and I sometimes don’t know what I’m saying.  I am perfectly safe to be around and if you can get used to my tick and sometimes yelling “Butter my shit!” we should be fine.

But, like I said earlier, before I got derailed by a bunch of over-dramatic co-workers who remain convinced that the sun rises and sets in their coffee cups…

Not really.  They’re all top drawer and among my favorite people to spend the day with. Anyway…

I hate February.  I always have . I think February’s days should be divided up among the other months and be done away with.  I think May should get the leftover months because May is my favorite month and I’m always sad to see it end.  February on the other hand can’t end fast enough.  I mean why even bother with it? Everybody is pissed off the whole damn month and nothing taste particularly good in February.  I bet if we checked close enough we’ll find that February was invented by the Swiss.  They invented most everything else that sucks.  Why not a shitty month that’s short on days, is cold and has two R’s in it?

I’ve got nothing against Rs, it is in fact one of my favorite letters, but what month needs two  and how in the hell does February get two.  Filthy Swiss bastards.

Two of my favorite people were born in February, but beyond that, I are not having many love for it.

So, we’ll soon be into March and so long as we’re wary about the Ides, we’ll be in some pretty tall cotton!  I like March.  Not as much as May, but a hell of a log more than February.

One more minor rant before we call it a day/week/month… Target is ths sole source of Domokuns in Billings, yet not a single person in either store has the faintest idea what they are. Every time I call to ask about them, I get the run around and people act like I’m nuts .  Dammit! This is a real thing you sell! I’m not some crackpot, asking for shit that doesn’t exists.  Other than having Domokuns, Target sucks.

That’s it for today/this week/this month.  Everyone have a safe and happy weekend.  One day of it will still be  February, so be careful there, but Sunday is March! Woo hoo!